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Old 10-02-2009   #71
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Default Re: Humor, any way you look at it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OzzyJim View Post
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'

' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

Love it! And I would do the same thing.
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Old 10-02-2009   #72
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!!!!!!!"
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Old 10-02-2009   #73
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A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.


“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”



He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”




“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.


“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”


“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D**KHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F**K UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F**KIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F**KIN’ BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER… GOT IT, A**HOLE?”





…and they lived happily ever after.
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Old 10-02-2009   #74
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What is a bogan?

BOGAN (pronunciation boe-gn) is a term used primarily in Australia to describe a particular section of the working class demographic. This derogatory slang word is a gender-neutral noun; this being important as many bogans tend to gravitate towards one another forming relationships and extended families. A bogan family is not an uncommon phenomena in certain regions. A bogan typically resides in either a low-cost housing estate, government housing or in the outlying regional areas of continental Australia. Generally bogans tend to congregate in areas with little or no features & amenities.

Generally the bogan fits a particular stereotypical image. The perception of what actually constitutes a bogan has been shaped over the years primarily by the media; notable especially are television programs such as Channel 7's Today Tonight and Channel 9's A Current Affair . These programs regularly feature stories of harrowing boganism- including communities under siege from bogan terrorism, and bogans "rorting the system" in relation to welfare benefits and questionable practices. A number of comedy programs have also featured bogans in the past, prime examples being Kylie Mole of The Comedy Company, Poida (bogan pronunciation of the name "Peter") played by Eric Bana, and more recently Bloke Man of the Comedy Inc late shift. Eric Bana's portrayal of the character Poida gained him accolades within the industry and effectively launched his professional acting career. This is one of very few examples of extreme boganism leading to success & wealth.

So now we have a basic understanding of the bogan, we may delve further into the mysterious world of mullets and long-kneck beer bottles in brown paper bags. Traits of the bogan can be summarised by the following points:

• A pronounced lack of dress sense in social situations. Typical bogan attire consists of a flannelette shirt, King Gee stubbie shorts (either blue/khaki), torn or soiled jeans from the 1980's or earlier, and of course double-plug standard issue white thong sandals with black rubber. A bogan's dress sense is not influenced by intended destination/occasion hence the line between workwear and formal wear is often hazy at best. On rare occasions bogans may be spotted wearing enclosed shoes when entering the local RSL to "have a slap on the pokies" or to "get pissed wif me mates on the veebs (VB)". A female bogan will usually wear a matching ensemble usually consisting of second-hand fashions or products purchased from the discount retail chains Best and Less or Big W.

• A lack of personal hygiene. A bogan will often allow his/her hair to grow into an attractive style named the "mullet" as popularised in the 1980's. A hair cut is a rare event for the bogan, and most styling occurs when the razor is brought out to either a) produce a "skinhead" style cut or b) a "frullet" (front-mullet). Similar styles apply for females, however the female bogan frequently colours her hair auburn. The bogan bathroom usually contains a bar of multi-purpose soap used to both cleaning the family, washing the hair, styling the hair and manicures/pedicures. Whilst most non-bogans will use Eau de Toilette spray as a perfume, the most common boganistic fragrance is "Odour of Toilet". The bogan frequently rosters showers at irregular intervals such as once a week for males and twice for females.

• Distinct vocabulary. The bogan language is somewhat foreign to most English-speaking people. For example in boaglish, the word "shooting" would be pronounced as "shootun". Similarly, the word "look out" is pronounced as "look eet". The boaglish alphabet does not contain the letters "i" or "g", hence the pronunciation of words containing the suffix -ing are simply pronounced -un. Examples include "rootun" (rooting), "fishun" (fishing) and the common phrase "where's me farken beer woman" (what is the current location of my alcoholic beverage dearest female partner). The boaglish vocabulary is mostly limited to frequent curse-words and miss-pronunciation of common English words. A common bogan trait also includes shortening words. Locations such as the Wyong Leagues Club become the "leaguesy", the Crown Casino becomes the "leaguesy" and females/males such as Sharon/Barry become "Shaz" and "Baz".

• A particular choice in motor vehicle. The bogan usually drives one of two makes of vehicle. Typically this is either a Holden or a Ford . Common bogan variants manufactured by each of these companies include the Holden Commodore (VB-VP models), Holden Kingswood and the Ford Falcon (all models up to the EF). Other well known bogan vehicles include early model Datsuns and Toyotas . Bogan accessories include anything HSV/HRT for Holdens, and FPV/FTR for Fords. These vehicles tend to be more prevalent on the roads whilst the V8 supercar races are being held. Drivers often attempt to imitate in heavy traffic their heroes Skaifey (Mark Skaife) and Ambrose (Marcos Ambrose). Bogan vehicles are rarely detailed, and are serviced even less frequently. Most bogan drivers hold animosity towards imported vehicles "farken rice" and are still bitter that the Nissan Skyline beat the Holden and Ford racing teams at Bathurst in the early 90's. Consequently, many bogans believe their VN Commodore has the ability to beat anything with the badge "Ferrari", "Nissan", "BMW M3" or "Pagani".

• Choice in music. The bogan prefers either metal or pub rock. A bogan would suggest that the song Khe Sanh by Cold Chisel would be a more appropriate national anthem than Advance Australia Fair. AC/DC is also a popular choice. Anything Barnesy. Midnight Oil is another classic example of the bogan genre.

• Employment status. The common bogan is either a) not employed or b) a tradesman/labourer. A bogan employee can be spotted kitted up in a fluorescent vest or polo shirt. Unemployed bogans often frequent RSL's/clubs for discount lunches during the day, before continuing on to the local Centrelink office to receive the hard-earned cash of the tax-paying public. This will be followed by a journey to the most convenient bottle shop ("bottlo") to purchase 2x24 cartons ("slabs") of Victoria Bitter ("Veebs") for $60. Also included in this purchase is the all-important packet of Winfield Reds ("Smokes"). The rest of this pension money is budgeted towards the "pokies" at the local pub.

• A poorly-maintained house or unit. As previously mentioned, the bogan often resides in regions of a lower socio-economic standing. Basically, in most cases the bogan is located some way inland from a coastal fringe or major waterway. In the case of Sydney, this has lead to the term "westie" being coined in order to distinguish the boganistic population of the inland western suburbs from the more affluent residents of the east. In the case of NSW/QLD and Victoria, the majority of bogans are located on or west of the Great Dividing Range. Whilst this is not always the case, it is important to note that the concentration of bogans per capita is somewhat higher in these areas. The bogan house usually consists of a number of elements (see below):

The bedroom (for rootun).
The balcony (for smokun/shootun).
The livun room (for watchun telly/smokun/gettun p*ssed).
The kitchen (for storun beer).
The combined bathroom/laundry (for washun shyte) .
The shed (for rootun/smokun/shootun/gettun p*ssed/storun beer/workun on the commo).

All-in-all the bogan is seen as a top bloke by his mates, but is a menace to the rest of society. Our bogan awareness campaign aims to expose the secrets of the bogan by delving into previously uncharted territory.... n shyte.
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Old 10-16-2009   #75
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I like this photo.
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Old 12-23-2009   #76
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Cheap Rooms!

Cheap Rooms.jpg
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Old 01-23-2010   #77
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Default Re: Humor, any way you look at it...

The Chili Contest.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy **** , what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bit*h is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Scr*w those rednecks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,sulphuric flames.
I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my a**hole with a snow cone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*t to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili!!!
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Old 01-28-2010   #78
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Default Re: Humor, any way you look at it...

From a 'W4M' ad -

A couple was sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

The wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...


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