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Old 10-13-2008   #41
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GM Like Computer IndustryAt a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
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Old 10-15-2008   #42
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Geeee...that IS cold!
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Old 10-24-2008   #43
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Thought of this while hanging out the washing - it's going to be 37deg C here today, got it a long time ago via email.
(The original contained a LOT of swearing, I have edited it for this post)

this is hilarious!!!!!!
Diary of a Mount Isa Summer (by a Pom)

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper. Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat s**t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f****n blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:
If another wise ar*e cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to friggn throttle him. F****n heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ar*e was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ar*e. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ar*e, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a friggn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f****n sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*****n place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f*****n pool. Even the palms can't live in this f****n heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my ar*e out of jail for assulting the stupid f****r. Stuff Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT?? This is the first day of Summer? You are f****n kiddin
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Old 10-24-2008   #44
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Who wrote this? Mr Freeze?
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Old 10-25-2008   #45
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Not too sure how to take that comment, the temp in the abv post is in degrees Celsius not Fahrenheit. Just for reference 30 deg Celsius = 86 deg Fahrenheit and 40 deg Celsius = 104 deg Fahrenheit.
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Old 10-25-2008   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OzzyJim View Post
Not too sure how to take that comment, the temp in the abv post is in degrees Celsius not Fahrenheit. Just for reference 30 deg Celsius = 86 deg Fahrenheit and 40 deg Celsius = 104 deg Fahrenheit.
I should have known, sorry. It was just a humorous attempt at humor, pretending that Mr Freeze (Batman & Robin - 1997) wrote the article.
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Old 10-25-2008   #47
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Thats cool (pun intended) I forgot about Batman and Robin (Mr Freeze)
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Old 10-26-2008   #48
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You can understand why some laws exist: no speeding, don’t run the stop sign, yield to pedestrians. But other laws may leave you scratching your head – right in front of the officer who pulled you over for violating them.
In many states, for example, it’s as possible to earn a ticket for lollygagging to look at the scenery as it is for speeding. The legal reasoning is that going too slowly impedes traffic.

The reasons behind still other laws have been lost to history, and chances are you can get away with violating them. In Denver, for example, it’s illegal to drive a black car on Sunday. And in the foggy past, Minneapolis outlawed red cars on Lake Street.
Here are 12 more unusual laws related to cars and driving. But we must warn you: Reading these means you’ll have to answer truthfully when the officer asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Honk if you pass

Rural New Jersey might sound like a never-ending New Year’s Eve party if everybody obeyed the law. State law requires drivers to honk the horn when passing another vehicle going in the same direction outside a business or residential district.

However, watch it in Little Rock, Ark., where the law says “no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.”

Honking at sandwich shops is OK in University City, Mo. – so long as you honk in your own car. It’s illegal to honk the horn of someone else’s.

Kindly keep your cattle in the car

Hey, city slicker – you’ll have to keep that cow in your vehicle in Topeka, Kan. The city has made it “unlawful for any person to suffer or permit any livestock owned or controlled by such person to run at large, or to drive any herd of cattle, horses, mules or hogs, or any flock of sheep, upon any street in the city.”

You’ll need permission to throw that brick

In Mount Vernon, Iowa, you’re not allowed to shoot arrows or throw bricks onto any street or highway without the City Council’s written consent.

Clean up your act

In San Francisco, it’s illegal to wipe a vehicle with used underwear and to pile horse manure more than six feet high on any street corner.

Unhand that nozzle!

In Oregon and New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas. Supposedly this practice keeps gasoline prices lower in those states, because insurance costs for gas stations go down if attendants instead of customers pump the gas – but, on the other hand, that attendant must be paid, whereas you pump for free. So the jury’s out on the reasons for this one.

Animal and vegetable antics

Palm Springs, Calif., forbids anyone from walking a camel down the main street, Palm Canyon Drive, between 4 and 6 p.m.
Hunting from moving vehicles is illegal in several states, including Connecticut and Tennessee, where only whale hunting by that method is allowed.
Thou shalt not sow a vegetable garden in any public street in Chico, Calif. The law, however, does not forbid flower gardens.

No pillows on the roadbed

No matter how sleepy you get, you are not allowed to snooze in the middle of any street in Eureka, Calif.
Reno, Nev., won’t let you park yourself on a bench or chair in the middle of its roads, either.
As long as we’re on a roll, here are a few more tips to the lawful:
  • Yield to peacocks in Arcadia, Calif.
  • Don’t jump into a passing vehicle in Glendale, Calif.
  • Don’t change clothes in your car at the beach in Destin, Fla.
  • Don’t keep a car door open longer than is necessary in Oregon.
  • Don’t drive through playgrounds in Dublin, Ga.
How serious are they? Serious. Screeching your tires in Derby, Kan., could get you 30 days in Bad Boys’ Bed & Breakfast.
And if you think switching back to a one-horsepower hay-burner might get you away from the long arm of the law, consider this: In Texarkana, Texas, it’s illegal to ride a horse at night without taillights.
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Old 11-26-2008   #49
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8 words with two meanings




1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.*
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.*
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.*
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.*
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.*
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.*
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.*
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.*
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.




He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gaveyou?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Old 12-24-2008   #50
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Sadly this is precisely how my youngest thinks. Heaven forbid those times we're forced to watch "live" tv.


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