Making photography a career

[Joel]

I got the results from the local Khanacross and wrote an article. Never wrote anything like this before so its probably bad. Wasn't sure if i should write a new topic so ill post it here.
The results had only the first letter of their first name so thats all i could write.
C&C welcome.
Photos Here Motorkhana
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P Mountford in his Subaru WRX took the overall win at Kempsey Car Clubs Khanacross at Eungai Rail last week.
B Keast took the first run by two seconds over A Mountford, with only 300th of a second separting the Mountford brothers for second and third, and only 1000th of second from forth to fifth.
The second run saw P Mountford and G Clark in his Mazda put in the only sub fifty second runs of the day.
At the half way mark P Mountford was leading by three seconds with only four seconds separating the top three.
B Keast hit a flag in the fifth run putting him out of contention. P Mountfords aggressive driving paid off as he beat everyone else by at least three seconds. There was now seventeen seconds between the top three putting Mountford in a commanding position to take the win.
P Mountford finished with a total time of 4.68.32 minutes, G Clark took second overall and first in class two with a time of 4.75.14 in his Mazda, A Mountford took third overall in a WRX with 4.91.12. First in class one was T Campbell in his Holden, First junior was R McQuillan in his Gemini and the first female driver was N Clark in her Mazda.

[Songman45]

First, I am not a motorsport guy and I don't read motorsport publications. For this reason I cannot offer the greatest critique. As a matter of fact, I don't read the sports section of the newspaper either. Perhaps it is because newspaper sport pieces follow a formula that other types don't. The local paper prints the account of Hometown High's friday night game and it cites the stats chronologically. The recounting is nothing like the game. I don't get the excitement of the game just the stastical data.

Your submission doesn't look far different from the few sports articles I've read. Journalists gernerally shy away from using the same descriptive word twice in a story. You wrote twice that a competitor "took" a place. Passive verbs are a no-no. "P Mountford was leading by three " would translate to "P Mountford led by three". Re-word to eliminate those pesky "helper verbs" Am, Is, Was, Were, Yet, Be, Being, and Been. Another repeition was your use of "just" twice. Its acceptable to say "only".

I think your opening sentence is adequate. News is, "Who, What, Where, When, Why and How". I believe you covered that. Remember, in Journalism it is only necessary to state the first name (Initial in your case) on the first use of the name. The exception being of course when you have to specify individuals with the same last name. Refrences to individuals by first name only is only acceptable in feature stories.

You followed the chronology as the priority style. You also should follow "The Inverse Pyramid" style. This is where the most important information is at the top and lesser important detail follows. This style applies to everything, sentences, paragraphs, and entirety of the story. The reasons for this take up a 3 hour lecture. I'll go into that if you just have a burning desilre.

I'd say you did quite well and only need a tweak here and there. Also, there is a feature sotry and an editorial begging to be written out of this submission. Do you know what they are?

Steve

[Joel]

Thanks Steve. Very helpful and explained. Ill save this thread for future reference for the next article i write.

Sorry don't know where they are.haha

[Songman45]

Great feature on the first female driver also good editorial material.

Thanks for the kind words. Always feels good to help someone.

[Joel]

Thanks man. Can't wait for the next one its fun writing.